Reasons for parenting styles

Why does parenting seem so effortless for some but full of challenges for others? Why are some parents sensitive, responsive, and emotionally engaged with their children, whereas others are aloof, neglectful, or even abusive? Answers to these questions are complex: parenting is multiply determined by numerous factors existing within and between parent and child, within the immediate context in which parent and child are embedded, and within the broader social and cultural context.

At the most basic level are the parent and child. As noted earlier, children actively contribute to the parent-child relationship. Parents treat bold children differently from reserved children, and they treat bold boys differently from bold girls. Further, children themselves are likely to respond to parenting differently, depending on their own unique characteristics. For example, gentle discipline that de-emphasizes power is effective with temperamentally inhibited children. However, uninhibited children benefit most from cooperative strategies that motivate them to identify with their parents. Parents themselves bring numerous factors to the caregiving role, including their physical and mental state and wellness (e.g., mood), basic personality, cognitive processes (e.g., attitudes, beliefs, expectations), level of maturity and experience with children, and capacities for self-awareness and reflection, as well as their childhood experiences of caregiving. What may be especially important in how parents and children respond to each other is the “goodness of fit”—that is, how the unique characteristics and needs of a child mesh with the internal and external resources of the parent.

Each parent and child is embedded in a broader context of “family,” potentially including other children, the other parent, and extended family. The quality of the relationship between parents is especially influential. Both mothers and fathers benefit from having supportive relationships with a partner, and parents with that support tend to be warmer and more responsive to their children. Conflict, especially that which is unresolved and chronic, undermines parenting; interventions that bolster the partner relationship are likely to enhance parenting as well. Certainly, being a single parent invites multiple layers of stress, ranging from having no one with whom to share the daily responsibilities of parenting to managing overwhelming economic concerns. Extended family can provide important support to single parents.

Community and social factors, including the parents’ world of work, the quality of the neighbourhood, the social supports available, and general economic conditions, also affect parenting. Parents who enjoy safe communities, stable and fulfilling jobs, and a reasonable standard of living tend to focus more physical and emotional resources on their children. Parents living in impoverished, dangerous environments are likely to approach parenting differently—for example, by being more restrictive and by demanding more immediate compliance. Economic hardship in particular exerts a heavy toll on parents and children. The stress engendered by economic adversity is related to numerous problems, such as depression, anxiety, illness, and maladaptive coping (e.g., alcohol use), all of which compromise parenting. In general, as environmental conditions become more extreme, parenting becomes more disrupted. For example, in places where child mortality is high, parents show little investment in children they are not sure will survive.

At the outermost level are cultural influences, which often exert a nonconscious impact on parenting. That is, parents are likely to perpetuate the patterns and habits of their own culture with minimal awareness and reflection. Cultural prescriptions dictate specific parenting practices, such as where children sleep and how to discipline, as well as more global ideas, such as whether children are socialized toward compliance or self-assertion.

In summary, no single factor can completely explain why people parent in the ways they do. Positive factors at each layer (e.g., a child with an easy temperament, a loving family history, stable finances) enhance parenting, whereas negative factors (e.g., a child with a challenging temperament, an abusive history, poverty) present risks. The combined and cumulative picture provides the most complete explanation of differences among parents—why, for example, one parent is responsive and another is neglectful or abusive.

Intergenerational parenting patterns

Although parenting is influenced by numerous factors at varying levels, some of the central qualities of parenting can be predicted from the parent’s childhood history and how the parent remembers and reflects on that history. Major disruptions in parenting, such as child abuse, are predictably related to similar problems identified in the parent’s own childhood, but even subtle differences between parents, such as comfort with intimacy, are associated with childhood experiences. These intergenerational influences are powerful and often nonconscious; indeed, many parents find themselves repeating intergenerational patterns that they vowed to break.

Although they are powerful, intergenerational cycles are by no means inevitable. The key to breaking negative patterns is to bring to conscious awareness what is nonconscious and to reflect before reacting. Also important is to resolve early negative experiences. For example, parents who experienced abusive caregiving in their own childhoods are better able to provide optimal care for their children when they are aware that the abuse occurred, can thoughtfully reflect on how the abuse affected their adult personality and their reactions to their children, and can come to some resolution about their abusive past. In contrast, parents who dismiss the impact of early experiences or who are overwhelmed by hostility and anger about those experiences are at high risk for perpetuating negative cycles. Clinical case studies indicate that the psychological work involved in the processes of awareness, reflection, and resolution is difficult and painful and that it often takes great courage to face one’s past. Engaging in some type of therapeutic intervention can provide the support necessary to complete this work.